Just a thought…

So I woke up this morning with this sort of renewed energy that I honestly felt was lacking for a while now. I actually managed to wake up feeling happy, there was no underlying anxiety towards what the day would bring.

I got up with this positive energy and my body moving like ten steps ahead of my sleep clogged brain, it was almost like I was ready to get on with the day without fully realising it yet. The thing is because I’ve felt so ‘meh’ and yes that is the word I’m so sophisticatedly using to describe how I’ve been feeling the past week or so. I think all the years of education has come in handy don’t you? So yeah having felt like that for the past few weeks had me literally bounce full of joy knowing I felt positive for once, I knew I wanted to make the most of it, not knowing how long it would last.

I don’t know about any of you guys, but I’m very much of a ‘Heart worn on sleeve’person, my emotions change so quickly, I swear the smallest things can affect my mood. I’ve learnt to adapt to my swiftly changing moods and now find myself making the most out of my positive, happy and ‘Kick Ass’ mood whenever it arises.

Anyway the long introduction out of the way the point of this post was just to say, that I’m sick of the feeling you get when you feel like something is missing. Only our own inner self knows exactly what we can handle and can’t, what our full potential is and isn’t and profoundly what makes us happy and what doesn’t.

So the last few weeks I’ve felt like something is missing, something is lacking from my everyday life, I think deep down I know what it was, but I keep coming up with excuses and just don’t let myself think too much about it. I know that once I find out what exactly is bugging me, I’ll want to do something about it and therein lays the challenge for me. Once you’ve established what is missing or what it is you require, you then have to incorporate that or find a way to change whatever needs to be changed and I mean that requires effort right? Any sort of change is difficult, whether it’s a good or bad.

Thing is though you can only go so many days feeling like crap and knowing things are not right, it doesn’t just affect your mind but also your physical well being. I’m so glad I woke up this way, and I’m going to try and be a little more positive and actually try and figure out, what exactly is making me feel as I so eloquently put it earlier ‘meh’.

I think sometimes just taking some time out and actually allowing myself to breathe and be in the moment without constantly thinking that I’m wasting my time or that I could be doing something more productive with my time. At the end of the day the most useful thing you can ever do for yourself is allow yourself some down time. Time just for you without feeling like you’re wasting it or that you haven’t earned it.

If something requires change, just do it! At the end of the day when you’re too comfortable with something, that will only make it harder to step outside that comfort zone and do whatever it is that you are wanting, but then again doesn’t’t’t that always lead to the best moments?

Love

Sophia xx

 

 

 

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OUT OF HIDING

So this is my first post in a very long time. It’s been a few years actually since I’ve stopped writing, this blog used to be solely fashion based but have now decided to turn it into a bit of an ‘All rounder’.

I want to be able to talk about everything that matters to me, whether that be my daily mood changes, the new meditation techniques I think are amazing or even which book I think will be life changing.

I thought I would start by informing you of where I have been the past few years and what this platform will now mean to me. The first couple of posts will definitely be more mental health related, going into detail about my own personal experiences and gradually take it from there and go wherever the road takes me.

Let me fill you in on what’s been going on, we’ll start at the beginning shall we? A very good place to start (Whoever gets this quote, I’m totally high fiving you right now). Get your kettles boiled people and your teas brewed, it’s going to be a long one.

I stopped writing posts and stopped the YouTube channel I had back in 2015 and around that time I was living in London and working in fashion retail/PR and marketing. I thought I was living the life, living with two of my friends in our own flat and had a cool job. I was young and single and happy. I was ready for a great time.

Thing is I didn’t realise that all these things I thought were supposed to make me happy were actually going to be the things that finally pushed me of my so called wagon full of stars and unicorns and lead me to one of the most significant times in my life.

Depression.

I realised after a good 6 months that this ‘London life’ I had dubbed is not the life I wanted. I wasn’t happy at work; I was going from to job to job. In one year alone I think I had about four different jobs. I couldn’t cope with the anxiety and panic attacks so I would jump from job to job thinking that it was the job that was the issue when in actual fact the issues came from deep inside myself.

Around April 2016 I had my first ever panic attack, I had this sudden realisation that I wasn’t happy, that everything I was living and feeling was a lie. This was not me. Since that realisation dawned on me, every day after that felt like a huge struggle. I was suffering every day and normal day-to-day tasks seemed almost impossible to do.

I decided to go and do something I never thought I would do, Something I once used to make fun of and disregard as being useless and a money making scheme.

I decided to go and see a counsellor, now believe me, this was a huge thing for me, I think it took me at least two weeks to gather the courage to simply send the counsellor an enquiry email. I thought to myself if I go ahead and see a counsellor then everything becomes real. I wasn’t sure I was ready for that.

But them my anxiety grew, I was always down, I could never sleep, I bit the bullet and went to see this counsellor. Now let me tell you, this was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, this one decision started me on my ‘Self Discovery’ path.

We had a relatively short time with each other, only 8 sessions, those 8 sessions however I learnt a lot about myself. But like many of us do, I thought to myself ‘oh look I’ve learnt a lot and now I can apply this and therefore do not need to continue seeing this woman’.

Couple of months down the line, shit hit the fan again, we found out that the flat we were renting was getting taken down and rebuilt as a home, meaning we couldn’t extend the lease and therefore would have to relocate.

Thing is my friends didn’t want to stay in London and so I was left with a decision of whether to move out and live alone in London, which would be extremely expensive or whether I would have to find others to live with.

I came to no decision and decided I would live with family close by until I figure it out. We left the flat and we left London. The whole thing left me feeling sad, angry and lost, so I thought ‘What is it I need to get out of this funk?’ I decided that going back home to Preston for a few weeks and being around friends and family would be good for me. To be able to reconnect with myself again and decide how I would move forward.

October 2015 I’m back in Preston. I’m home. Literally the next day I’m in my old bedroom, which has been empty since I moved out.

I’m sat on my bed with my laptop and I’m browsing and I come across an old friends profile, this friend of mine had decided that she was going to go travelling straight after Uni, she still is travelling all over the world.

I was looking at her pictures and so envious from all the posts on the new places she’s visiting along side equally amazing pictures. I sat there thinking, look at all these amazing things she is doing and experiencing and now look at me? Stuck here in my old room back to square one with my life packed in boxes and having no clue as to what the hell I want to do with my life.

So there sat in my old room with tears running down my face and looking through these posts and pictures, I had my first ever full-blown panic attack.

I couldn’t breathe; I was shaking and struggling to contain the tears. I was freaking the hell out. I was vaguely aware something was wrong but I couldn’t get myself under control.

I rationalised in my head ‘hey lets try and go downstairs and be around people’. I couldn’t do that however and instead went and sat along in a room by myself and rocked myself back and forth trying to figure out what was going on.

Then all of a sudden I heard myself saying ‘I don’t want to be alive, I want to die’. Now that thought freaked me the hell out, as I’m sure any sane person would!

I grabbed my phone and rang my uncle who came straight from work and heard me saying these things and probably others that made no sense. He decided to take me to his house; there I was sat with my aunty who instantly realised what was wrong. My aunty also has a history of depression and could see the tell tale signs that were clearly non-existent to me.

So there we go. That was the day that changed my life. I finally out loud heard the word depression used in a sentence that was directed at me. I finally figured out that I’ve been struggling for months.

I just couldn’t accept what was going on I didn’t want to be a person that has something ‘wrong’ with her. I wanted to be a normal woman.

Next day, after a lot of persuasion from my aunt, I went to the doctor, shared my experience and basically got told I had depression, now even that gave me a mini panic attack, hearing the fact that its all true and I am depressed, from someone who is licensed in the medical field is scary. That just meant one thing, this is all real and there is no way of running from it now. So I was then put on anti- depressants and assigned to a mental health support team and put on the waiting list for counselling. There began the most important journey of my life (So far).

By the way, a little disclaimer, what happened in London was not the actual reason behind the depression. That was just an experience that tipped me over the edge, my depression stemmed from events that occurred years back almost into my early teens. I know everyone has different sources of where their depression comes from and I am not belittling anyone’s experience of mental health. We are all different and so are our experiences and those experiences are what makes each of us unique.

So there we go folks that Is a wee introduction on what the hell’s been going and how I came from being this naïve young woman living in London to all of a sudden being a shell of my former self.

I am in a much better place now, almost on the point of wanting to say I don’t have depression anymore. But I know that’s not how it works and its something I will always have. The difference is now I’m in control of it, rather than it controlling me.

Over the next few posts I want to be able to explain in more detail of all the stages of depression I went through, my experiences and so on. I hope this is something I can share, I so believe in people wanting to share their experiences. That is the one thing that kept me going, knowing that I am not alone in this and many others have also been through the worst time and came fighting back.

This has been a slightly morbid post, but it is something that had to be said. Hopefully all future posts will have a more positive feel 🙂

Thanks for reading,

Sophia xx

 

Yes, dreams do come true..

Hi Guys!

I do hope your all well and coping with the snow and the horrible weather we have been having as of late! Yes the snow made everything look pretty and white, but one day is enough, who agrees??! This is not a post related to fashion or beauty, this is a little more personal, I thought I would share with you.

One of the Christmas presents the family received was a DVD from my uncle, who’s a very philosophical person, very deep and passionate about what he believes in. Anyway so he recommended that we watch this film ‘The Bucket List’. To be honest with you I just looked at it and thought this is so not something I want to watch or would even enjoy, however on movie night  ‘The Bucket List won the vote, so reluctantly I sat down to watch it.

This movie is not what I expected. At all. Its basically about these two strangers who are in their 60’s who both develop cancer and are given about half a year to live, they strike up a friendship based on the ‘Bucket List’ (Things you want to do before you die). They write a list between them on the things they want to do. They then start their journey together and learn more about each other and teach other things along the way. Yes they do both pass away, but what they leave behind is inspiration, hope and passion. Whilst watching this film, it encouraged me to dig out all those little things I had wanted to do but never thought I could or never believed in myself enough to believe that I could do them. It encouraged me to go for it, to not be scared.

My advice to you is this, please do not be afraid of what you want to do or what you want to achieve in life or even within the next year, just having hope and the drive and the self belief can help you achieve all of your dreams and more! These days’ people so much as mention what they want to do and then are instantly dismissed by negative comments or doubts or concerns and yes this does just put you off.

I’m lucky to have some very amazing people in my life, like my uncle who recommended this film to me and also taught me so many things and made me realise how it is possible for me to do anything I want to do. He has always been my inspiration and I thank him for that.

So anyway to update you all, I now have some new ideas and some new plans and I am moving away from home and starting my own dream J and also wanted to let you guys know that due to this I won’t be able to post as much for a few weeks, until I’m all settled in 🙂

Until the next time my lovelies,

Sophia

xxx