So this is my first post in a very long time. It’s been a few years actually since I’ve stopped writing, this blog used to be solely fashion based but have now decided to turn it into a bit of an ‘All rounder’.
I want to be able to talk about everything that matters to me, whether that be my daily mood changes, the new meditation techniques I think are amazing or even which book I think will be life changing.
I thought I would start by informing you of where I have been the past few years and what this platform will now mean to me. The first couple of posts will definitely be more mental health related, going into detail about my own personal experiences and gradually take it from there and go wherever the road takes me.
Let me fill you in on what’s been going on, we’ll start at the beginning shall we? A very good place to start (Whoever gets this quote, I’m totally high fiving you right now). Get your kettles boiled people and your teas brewed, it’s going to be a long one.
I stopped writing posts and stopped the YouTube channel I had back in 2015 and around that time I was living in London and working in fashion retail/PR and marketing. I thought I was living the life, living with two of my friends in our own flat and had a cool job. I was young and single and happy. I was ready for a great time.
Thing is I didn’t realise that all these things I thought were supposed to make me happy were actually going to be the things that finally pushed me of my so called wagon full of stars and unicorns and lead me to one of the most significant times in my life.
I realised after a good 6 months that this ‘London life’ I had dubbed is not the life I wanted. I wasn’t happy at work; I was going from to job to job. In one year alone I think I had about four different jobs. I couldn’t cope with the anxiety and panic attacks so I would jump from job to job thinking that it was the job that was the issue when in actual fact the issues came from deep inside myself.
Around April 2016 I had my first ever panic attack, I had this sudden realisation that I wasn’t happy, that everything I was living and feeling was a lie. This was not me. Since that realisation dawned on me, every day after that felt like a huge struggle. I was suffering every day and normal day-to-day tasks seemed almost impossible to do.
I decided to go and do something I never thought I would do, Something I once used to make fun of and disregard as being useless and a money making scheme.
I decided to go and see a counsellor, now believe me, this was a huge thing for me, I think it took me at least two weeks to gather the courage to simply send the counsellor an enquiry email. I thought to myself if I go ahead and see a counsellor then everything becomes real. I wasn’t sure I was ready for that.
But them my anxiety grew, I was always down, I could never sleep, I bit the bullet and went to see this counsellor. Now let me tell you, this was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, this one decision started me on my ‘Self Discovery’ path.
We had a relatively short time with each other, only 8 sessions, those 8 sessions however I learnt a lot about myself. But like many of us do, I thought to myself ‘oh look I’ve learnt a lot and now I can apply this and therefore do not need to continue seeing this woman’.
Couple of months down the line, shit hit the fan again, we found out that the flat we were renting was getting taken down and rebuilt as a home, meaning we couldn’t extend the lease and therefore would have to relocate.
Thing is my friends didn’t want to stay in London and so I was left with a decision of whether to move out and live alone in London, which would be extremely expensive or whether I would have to find others to live with.
I came to no decision and decided I would live with family close by until I figure it out. We left the flat and we left London. The whole thing left me feeling sad, angry and lost, so I thought ‘What is it I need to get out of this funk?’ I decided that going back home to Preston for a few weeks and being around friends and family would be good for me. To be able to reconnect with myself again and decide how I would move forward.
October 2015 I’m back in Preston. I’m home. Literally the next day I’m in my old bedroom, which has been empty since I moved out.
I’m sat on my bed with my laptop and I’m browsing and I come across an old friends profile, this friend of mine had decided that she was going to go travelling straight after Uni, she still is travelling all over the world.
I was looking at her pictures and so envious from all the posts on the new places she’s visiting along side equally amazing pictures. I sat there thinking, look at all these amazing things she is doing and experiencing and now look at me? Stuck here in my old room back to square one with my life packed in boxes and having no clue as to what the hell I want to do with my life.
So there sat in my old room with tears running down my face and looking through these posts and pictures, I had my first ever full-blown panic attack.
I couldn’t breathe; I was shaking and struggling to contain the tears. I was freaking the hell out. I was vaguely aware something was wrong but I couldn’t get myself under control.
I rationalised in my head ‘hey lets try and go downstairs and be around people’. I couldn’t do that however and instead went and sat along in a room by myself and rocked myself back and forth trying to figure out what was going on.
Then all of a sudden I heard myself saying ‘I don’t want to be alive, I want to die’. Now that thought freaked me the hell out, as I’m sure any sane person would!
I grabbed my phone and rang my uncle who came straight from work and heard me saying these things and probably others that made no sense. He decided to take me to his house; there I was sat with my aunty who instantly realised what was wrong. My aunty also has a history of depression and could see the tell tale signs that were clearly non-existent to me.
So there we go. That was the day that changed my life. I finally out loud heard the word depression used in a sentence that was directed at me. I finally figured out that I’ve been struggling for months.
I just couldn’t accept what was going on I didn’t want to be a person that has something ‘wrong’ with her. I wanted to be a normal woman.
Next day, after a lot of persuasion from my aunt, I went to the doctor, shared my experience and basically got told I had depression, now even that gave me a mini panic attack, hearing the fact that its all true and I am depressed, from someone who is licensed in the medical field is scary. That just meant one thing, this is all real and there is no way of running from it now. So I was then put on anti- depressants and assigned to a mental health support team and put on the waiting list for counselling. There began the most important journey of my life (So far).
By the way, a little disclaimer, what happened in London was not the actual reason behind the depression. That was just an experience that tipped me over the edge, my depression stemmed from events that occurred years back almost into my early teens. I know everyone has different sources of where their depression comes from and I am not belittling anyone’s experience of mental health. We are all different and so are our experiences and those experiences are what makes each of us unique.
So there we go folks that Is a wee introduction on what the hell’s been going and how I came from being this naïve young woman living in London to all of a sudden being a shell of my former self.
I am in a much better place now, almost on the point of wanting to say I don’t have depression anymore. But I know that’s not how it works and its something I will always have. The difference is now I’m in control of it, rather than it controlling me.
Over the next few posts I want to be able to explain in more detail of all the stages of depression I went through, my experiences and so on. I hope this is something I can share, I so believe in people wanting to share their experiences. That is the one thing that kept me going, knowing that I am not alone in this and many others have also been through the worst time and came fighting back.
This has been a slightly morbid post, but it is something that had to be said. Hopefully all future posts will have a more positive feel 🙂
Thanks for reading,